What to Do When My Aging Parent Needs Help?
Watching a parent age can be hard. Watching a parent need help while they age can be harder. I have never met someone who has wanted to ask for help. Asking for help can be one of the most difficult things to do. Not only does this mean they have to rely on another to complete activities of daily living, but it means that they have to accept they can no longer do it themself. This can be a tarnish to their self-reflection, confidence, independence, and dignity.
Yet, even though it can be difficult to receive help, it is important. Sadly, as we age some older adults can not do some everyday tasks anymore, or at least not safely. This can be anywhere from driving, making food, showering, and even opening mail. There are so many reasons one can need help! It could be memory related or even related to another disease process such as parkisons, arthritis, hearing impairment, visual impairment, etc. Before I dive in on steps you can take for your aging parent, I want to point out one big thing:
It is okay to ask for help!
What services are out there for Seniors?
Luckily, we live in a world where there is an array of options for seniors! This can be anywhere from a cleaning service, to assisted living. Each older adult’s needs are unique, so each option can work for one person but not another. The main services are Home Care and Independent/Assisted Living. Let’s dive in to each option:
Home Care are services in which a caregiver will provide care at the clients home. This can range anywhere from 3 hours to 24 hours in length. These caregivers assist with activities of daily living such as bathing, hygiene care, companionship, running errands, transportation to doctor's appointments, assistance with light housekeeping, etc. This care is given on a 1:1 basis. There is also a medical home care component where the older adult can receive nursing, physical therapy, and occupational therapy care.
Independent/Assisted Living care is delivered from a facility. This type of care is 24 hours! Independent living is specifically tailored to those who do not need assistance with activities of daily living, but prefer to be around those of the same age. Usually, these facilities offer daily activities, such as exercise or book club. They also may have meal plans. Assisted living is very similar, except they have a Resident Assistant assist with tasks such as bathing, light housekeeping, medication, etc.
Some other options include Respite (short-term care), Hospice Care, Adult Day Care, and cleaning. If you want more information on those, please look at our Blog Post “Types of Care for Elderly.”
How Can I Get Connected with Senior Services in my Area?
The best way to find senior services in your area is to get connected with a senior advising agency. Senior advising agencies specialize in connecting older adults with services they are looking for. Most of the time, these agencies have personally vetted each home care and living facility in the area and has a personal relationship with each. The best part of connecting with a senior advising agency is that they are free!
I strongly recommend doing a google search of local Senior Advising Agencies to see what is in your area. The local ones have the most resources. There are also federal advising agencies such as caring.com. These companies are connected to senior care services all around the country. They work by taking your information, and sending it out to companies that fit what you are looking for. This can be great when you are starting your search, as you get many options. But, a local advising agency can give you specific companies they have vetted themselves.
How Do I Talk to My Parents About Getting Help?
The hardest part is discussing these options with your parents. As said above, needing help can be very difficult for anyone to accept. You most likely will experience resistance. Just know, this resistance is a way for them to keep control of their independence. It is important to not become angry with them when they show defiance.
Make sure to have all your information when talking with them. Make a list of areas you feel they might benefit from care. This can be cleaning, helping open mail, or even companionship. Refrain from using phrases like “You need help” and “This is too hard for us.” Instead, come at the conversation on how it will make their life easier and benefit them such as, “You do very well doing x, y and z, but having a person assist with x, y and z could make things easier.” Even discussing how you personally receive help in different aspects of your life can make the conversation smoother. For example, I have someone assist me in cleaning my house, and I love it!
If they resist any form of help, discuss with them the companies and/or facilities you have information on and what they can offer. Explain that nothing is set in stone, and all you want to do is meet with them to get more information. It is important to have them involved in this process, and go to those meetings. From my personal experience, using companies and/or facilities they have friends or family at are the best to discuss, because they know someone personally. Another way to facilitate the conversation is to get the primary care provider involved. They can go over their recommendations with your parents.
The Conversation Went Bad, What Do I Do?
It is okay if the conversation did not go as planned! They could be angry or sad that the conversation was brought up and the idea of needing help from others. The best thing for you to do is empathize and understand where they are coming from. They did hear you and your concerns. Let them take a few days to a week to think over the information. After some time to think has passed, bring it up again.
We are not always in the best mindset to take on new information. We can have bad days or days where we are just tired. Even I have days where I can not take feedback compared to others. Even if they totally disregard the conversation, it is okay to bring it up again! You can also talk to another aging adult who has gone through this process, and get feedback from them. As they are in your parents shoes, see what part of the conversation worked for them and what did not.
Empathize!
Be understanding! That is the key for a healthy conversation. Explain to them that you are discussing this because you care, not because they are a burden. All you want to do is help! Using “You” statements can be viewed as accusatory, so use “I” statements to get emotions and feelings out in the conversation.
It is also important to self-reflect. One day, as you age, you might be in their shoes. How would you feel if a family member, child, or friend had to discuss their concerns with you? How would you re-act? How would you want to be talked to? Use this self reflection to guide the conversation and understand their reactions.
Get Rid of the Stigma
We, sadly, live in a society where aging is viewed as a negative thing. It is not! It is part of life and beautiful. It has been proven that if you accept the process of aging, you live longer and have a more fulfilled life! If you focus only on “staying young” that can be detrimental to the aging process.
Don’t say things like:
This is just part of life.
You need help because you are older.
Most older people get help, so you should too!
Instead go into the conversation understanding we need help at all stages of life in different ways. As children, we need help with bathing, eating, and learning. As a young adult, some would say we still need assistance with those things too! Even when we are middle aged, we ask for guidance from those older with things such as raising children, work/life balance, etc. Do not think that they need help because they are “old,” instead view it as a need to change as our bodies and minds change too!
